Thriving New Mama

I first entered motherhood having it upside down. I was convinced that I was the awesome one, who was going to provide her with a safe and comfortable home, impart good values and ensure she gets a good education.

But children come into our lives as our greatest teacher.

In the last two years of being a mother, I have learned so much. After all, when we birth our child, we also birth a new identity.

We only have the present

I learned very early on that we only have the present. As a first-time mother, fresh out from the fourth trimester, I was eager to attempt a perfect family outing to the zoo. I booked the tickets online so we didn’t have to queue. I packed the diaper bag with double sets of everything. We rented a car, had an early breakfast and set off while the entire family was still in a good mood.

I was so disheartened that the time we set foot at the entrance of the zoo, my girl had a meltdown. I nursed her and she ended up napping the whole morning.

Since then, I’ve lost track of how many times my weekend plans, work arrangements, to-do lists for when the children are asleep were thrown out of the window. My child might bring a bug home from school on Friday and our weekends would be spent sleeping and nursing on rotation. Or my child, who’s been sleeping on the dot at 9pm, would absurdly be requesting a snack on the same day I’ve scheduled a night class.

It was SO, SO EXASPERATING.

I loved my calendars. I loved having a plan and being productive. I’ve never been someone who aimed to be JUST fully present?!

And yet, my children have taught me that:

1. We ONLY have control over the present, and that
2. There is SO MUCH going on in the present

There’s so much going on in the present

There’s so much to observe firstly, in my children.

I attended a workshop about the importance of observation from a Montessori perspective. And I was honestly BLOWN AWAY by how much there is to observe in toddlers and infants.

• What are they doing with their hands?
• What senses are they most engaged with?
• What are they repeatedly doing?

Secondly, there’s so much to observe within ourselves.

Our thoughts are NON-STOP. I listened to a podcast about mindfulness for beginners and it actually surprised me to know that our minds are constantly moving. It’s actually not possible to have it completely empty.

And that’s not the goal.

The goal is to cultivate humility and compassion so that you can listen to these thoughts without judgement.

You can be flexible

Realising how much can be going on in the present, that’s when I learned to appreciate it. And that prepares me to be flexible.

Because children are going to throw a curve ball at you. They’re going to surprise you.

And isn’t that to be expected?

After all, they are a whole new person in your life. They’ve got unique needs, personalities, interests and they’re on their own journeys.

I’m 100% guilty of thinking that my children are to be shaped by me. It’s so ridiculous. Who made me the boss of them? But, as a new mother, I assumed it only natural that I would be there to inculcate certain values and habits. They would for sure adopt hobbies that I’d love and approve of, and end up in jobs and missions that I’d be proud of.  I had an idea of who they would be – should be, and somehow assumed that they would turn out exactly like that.

That actually resulted in me making plans (down to where and when they were supposed to poop, nurse and nap) and thinking I had it nailed down. And that’s the problem.

I didn’t need anything nailed down. In fact, I needed to create that space within me to allow them to reveal themselves.

You discover your sense of humour

Plans change. That’s one tough lifestyle change that I had to manoeuvre. Another, is having sleepless nights. When you’ve got two under two, that becomes WAYYYYYYYYY more intense. There was one night during the newborn season, my first one was woken by the second one’s crying. She would NOT settle and ONLY wanted me to carry her. The second one is hungry and angry that he couldn’t latch. And he was also nursing a cold.

IT WAS A NIGHTMARE.

My husband was carrying one who wouldn’t stop crying. I was carrying another who was clinging to me for dear life. And it was 2am.

We looked at one another, sighed and surprisingly, started chuckling. There’s something to be grateful for here – to have two children, to have children who love you, and to have one another. There’s more – to also have a roof over our heads, to have a big enough bed for all of us to get onto, to have the strength to carry our children.

There are SO MANY INSTANCES like this. You don’t know whether to laugh or to cry, and it ends up bringing tears of gratitude.

Like when my child wails for a cup of water and then pours the water on the floor.

Like when my child throws all the dirty laundry onto the floor.

Like when my child poops on the floor.

Don’t get me wrong – I sighed, rolled my eyes, changed the tone of my voice. And of the ten times it happens, maybe two would see me enjoying the whole process.

But what I’m thankful for is that we – as a couple and as parents, have developed a sense of humour. To look onto these instances as funny, in a lighthearted manner and because of that, we enjoy one another more.

You can have two completely contradictory feelings and both are true

This has never been more true in my life than during early motherhood. I would feel guilty about not spending time with my children and bored that nothing much seems to be happening when I do take the day off with them.

If you’re a fellow mother, I’m sure you can attest to this.

You love your tribe harder

Have I already mentioned that I’m a planner? I pride myself in being put together and being a know-it-all. But there are honestly so many parenting decisions to make. It can be so overwhelming.

Because if you consider it carefully, you’re actually having a new person with you, all the time. Awake or asleep, this person is observing you, learning from you. And so literally EVERYTHING you say, don’t say, do, don’t do, and the energy you carry, is being absorbed by them.

Whether habitual or not, they are decisions you are making.

Choices with consequences.

It’s a FREAKING HUGE RESPONSIBILITY.

You

Just

Can’t

Know

Everything.

That’s where your tribe comes in.

You’ve courageous for just showing up.

Seeing how parenting is a huge responsibility, it takes a WHOLE LOT OF COURAGE to just show up, day after day.

Especially so after you’ve lost it with your children.

Especially so when your children are sick and you have no clue what to do.

Especially so as you spend more time in motherhood and you get more honest about your own flaws and limitations.

As I do this reflection one month postpartum, with two under two in tow, it’s both humbling and encouraging. I’m honestly so grateful that I enjoy motherhood.

Don’t get me wrong – it is tough and every single day, I’m challenged. To me, that’s the gold of motherhood.