We don’t exist as individuals. Regardless of how close (or not) we feel to our communities, they influence how we communicate and resolve differences with others.

These communities can be your family or the larger culture. Think of a family tree. An organizational chart. These are visual representations of human systems.

What happens to others in the system will influence you. The extent of this influence is determined by how well we can differentiate ourselves.

In this post, you will:

1. Become aware of your own default communication patterns

2. Become aware of how you manage difficult emotions

3. Make decisions on what you’re doing to do differently

First, let’s start with the mindset shifts required.

I want to prepare you with two mindset shifts before working through the reflections prompts and theories available in this article. 

Here are the two crucial mindset shifts: 

1. You can only control yourself.

2. Any problem that arises is never a simple cause-and-effect. It’s a result of interconnected and dynamic patterns within the system.

Allow me to explain the second point. When people come for therapy, they come with a problem. Or you might say, it’s a symptom. 

In this article, I will introduce the Bowen Family Systems. And what someone with a systems mindset might say is, “how is this symptom a result of the other members and processes within the system? 

The child is not exhibiting behavioral issues JUST because a classmate teased him. What else is happening within his family? Or any other systems he’s a part of (e.g. extended family, neighbourhood)? Are there increasing stress and anxiety levels? Who else is connected with him that might be transferring some of their anxieties to him? 

Second, I’m going to challenge you to look hard and honestly at how you handle disagreements.

Remember that first mindset? You can only control yourself. From this section on, the reflection prompts are going to challenge you to focus on YOUR reactions, YOUR feelings and what YOU can do. 

Dr. John Gottman is a psychotherapist and researcher with over 50 years working with marital couples. He introduced the four horsemen of the apocalypse. They thwart, damage and are VERY GOOD predictors of relationship breakdowns.

In fact, there is a 90% chance of the relationship failing if the behavior does not change (Gottman and Levenson, 2002). 

Disclaimer: This research is actually done with married couples. You can check out the beautiful infographic from the Gottman Institute’s page.  I’m putting it here because I believe it works with ANY relationship. To foster trusting and mutually respectful relationships, these four horsemen DO NOT HELP. 

And let me just put it out there –

We’re ALL GUILTY of at least one of them to some degree.

That’s important to acknowledge. Because then we can move past getting defensive about it to focusing on what we’re going to do about it. 

The four horsemen of the apocalypse are:

1. Criticism 
2. Contempt 
3. Defensiveness
4. Stonewalling 

If you’re struggling with getting your parent/in law or your spouse on board with a particular parenting style, I encourage you to first look at your own ways of communication. 

Are they respectful? Do they foster trust? 

Here’s your reflection prompt:

• Choose one of three relationships to start with (1) your spouse, (2) your child/ren and (3) your parents. You can choose to focus on just one parent whom you feel closer to or more affected by.
• Think back to the last time you had a huge emotional response towards them. 
• How did YOU respond? 

The key here is to take responsibility. I highly encourage you to watch this quick video by the Gottman Institute on how to address the four horsemen.

Even if you recognise the other party being guilty of criticism, contempt, defensiveness or stonewalling, remember that you can only MODEL what you want. So, we’re back to focusing on how YOU responded. 

Third, we’d look at how you deal with difficult emotions.

Earlier, we looked at how you handle disagreements during the conversation. Remember the second mindset I introduced? We’re part of a system and any problem is a result of the interconnected and dynamic patterns in a system. 

So now, we’re going to expand our views and look at how the family systems can impact you. More importantly, we’d also look at how you respond to heightened anxieties. 

Here’s the thing. If something tugs close at our hearts and to our identities, they are likely going to generate strong emotions. 

This is true for you and also for other members in your family. When there’s a tricky parenting situation or a stand to make on some highly contended topic (e.g. breastfeeding, babywearing, co-sleeping), there’s going to be some emotional responses. 

There are two emotional processes (or responses to increased tensions) that Dr. Murray Bowen teaches that I want to introduce here. He developed the Family Systems Theory.

Distancing 

Distancing or emotional cut off means you manage the anxiety by reducing or eliminating contact with the other party. 

Triangles 

Do you manage uncomfortable feelings by pulling others in or focusing on them? Any two-person relationship is unstable. The way to manage that is usually to bring in someone else or something else. 

Here’s your reflection prompt:

• You can also do up a simple family diagram. If you can get the information, you can go up multiple generations. The more information, the more patterns you can draw. Otherwise, just start with what you have. 
• Focus first on distancing. Are there relatives you or your family no longer connect with? What happened before this loss of contact? Who initiated it? 
• Then, you can focus on triangles. Start with yourself and use various colors to represent the triangles that you are a part of. 
• Ask yourself the hard questions like, what caused it? Who initiated it? What part did I play in this distancing or triangle? 

This is all about awareness. It’s for you to know: What are the patterns that YOU activate to manage anxiety?

Finally, you’ve got to realize that YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

Parenting is hard. Why? Because every parenting decision you make, whether by culture, circumstance or without conscious thought, is exactly that – A DECISION.

It was so freaking stressful and overwhelming when I first realized that. Then, I reframed that mindset from “It’s tough because I have to make all the decisions” to “It CAN BE tough because I GET TO make all the decisions.”

Did you notice the two key differences in the sentences?

“IT CAN BE” and not “IT IS” means that it CAN ALSO BE empowering and exciting.

“I GET TO” and not “I HAVE TO” means that you can also be grateful for the opportunity to learn, be challenged and grow.

Reframes are super helpful. If you haven’t already, please check out my article on reframes where I share 3 templates you can use.

So now, LET’S MAKE SOME (DIFFERENT) CHOICES.

Here’s your reflection prompt.

Knowing your current default communication patterns and emotional processes, ask yourself:

1. What do I LIKE about it?

2. What is NOT HELPFUL?

3. What are some strengths that I can leverage on to initiate change?

You can work through these exercises as an individual or as a couple. It’s such a good time to do this at the end of the year, as we slow down (hopefully) and take stock of what we’ve learned and set intentional goals for the coming year.