Thriving New Mama

Your body – specifically, your autonomic nervous system (ANS), is always giving you information. The ANS has trackers, called “neuroception,” that scans your external environment (i.e. what you can see, hear, smell, taste or touch) and internal environment (i.e. your stomach, your heart rate). It then comes up with quick decisions on whether you’re safe or not. 

If you’re safe, you stay REGULATED. 

Other words for regulated: calm, centered, grounded, meditative, relaxed, tranquil, peaceful, hopeful, joyful, connected, energetic, excited 

(BONUS: I’ve a full list of body vocabulary for you to use. It’s for anyone, young and old. Sign up for my mailing list to get that full list AND 12 self-regulation strategies for you to try out.)

If you’re not safe, your body gets ready to fight-or-flight. That’s your sympathetic state. In this state, you may notice: 

• Heart rate quickens
• Chest thumping 
• Breathing shallows
• Palms sweater
• Jittery 
• Eyes scanning 
• Body tensed 

Your body isn’t designed to stay primed for danger for long. It’s exhausting and you’d move into your freeze state, or parasympathetic state. In this state, you may notice:

• Tired 
• Numb
• Disengaged
• Can’t be bothered anymore
• Sleepy, no matter how much you’ve slept

Your ANS is always working. Because danger can jump out of nowhere and quite suddenly, right? Think a car speeding off the road or a bicycle on the walkway. 

The key is not about keeping calm, it’s about being aware of how you’re doing (attuned) and being able to move back into the regulated state quickly and easily (attending). 

That takes SELF-AWARENESS.  

What emotional regulation actually entails? 

Here’s the breakdown of what “emotional regulation,” or “being emotionally mature” entails:

1. You’re aware of how your body is feeling (energy levels, sensations).
2. You’re attuned to yourself and how safe you feel.
3. You’re armed with a toolbox of coping strategies and are familiar enough with them that you know which one to pull out for the specific state you’re in.
4. You’re authentic with what you’re actually feeling.
5. You’re able to name what you need and communicate it effectively. 

You need SO MANY THINGS here – mindfulness, body awareness, vocabulary to describe body sensations and feelings (YES, THEY ARE DIFFERENT), self-soothing strategies, self-compassion strategies, communication skills.

Unfortunately, that’s not usually how we’re taught emotional regulation. 

We’re taught to “just breathe.”

If we don’t know what emotional regulation actually entails, how can we teach our kids? 

Don’t worry,  if you’re still reading, GOOD ON YOU. You know what it entails and now, I’m going to tell you exactly what to start with. 

Disclaimer: 

After becoming a mother of 2 kids, completing my Master’s Degree in Counseling and taking professional level courses on trauma and somatic practices, AND trying them on myself, I can tell you three things:

1. I didn’t learn this when I was in primary school, or secondary school or even university. 
2. It is GAME-CHANGING and it WORKS.
3. It CAN be learned. 

(BONUS: If you’re ready to jump right into the ACTUAL strategies. Sign up for my mailing list to get 12 self-regulation strategies for you to try out. I will give you the research, the step-by-step and modifications to use with young children.)

Ready to start? 

STEP 1: BEFRIEND YOUR NERVOUS SYSTEM 

Befriend here means (1) understanding and (2) appreciating its efforts at keeping you safe. 

Your ANS is designed to keep you safe and so, the response it triggers is not intended to make life difficult – it is to protect you. The thing is, it has worked in the past and over time, it became a habit. That is why you may default to certain behavioral patterns, even though you tell yourself:

• I just can’t help it. 
• It happens to me so quickly. 
• My body moves faster than my mind.

I don’t know why I said or did this. 

Can you relate?  

So, know this – (1) you’re defaulting into a fight, flight, freeze or fawn state because it may have worked in the past, and (2) your body is working to keep you safe. 

Knowing that alone can reduce the intensity of the response and help you give it more space. Then, you can move to step 2.

STEP 2: INCREASE YOUR BODY AWARENESS 

Mindless scrolling over the phones, being told to finish our food and not waste it #asians, excessive caffeine… These have instilled a habit of tuning OUT of how our body is feeling. Simple check-ins done frequently throughout the day can increase your body awareness TREMENDOUSLY. 

Ask yourself:

1. How are your energy levels? 
2. How is your body feeling? 
3. How can you take care of your body right now? 

STEP 3: FIGURE OUT HOW SAFETY FEELS FOR YOU

If you’re a more give-me-action-steps kind-of person, you’d love this. You’re going to be doing a collage of who, what, where and when of you feeling regulated. 

1. Sit down with a pen and paper. Consider the following and write down anything that comes to mind.
   1. Who. Reflect on the people in your life and make a list of those that you feel safe and welcome with. They could be people who are no longer alive, role models or spiritual figures that you may not personally know. This could also include your pet. 
   2. What. Consider small actions that feel nourishing (or “wholesome”) and inviting of deeper connection. 
   3. Where. Take a mental tour of your world and find those that signal safe to you. They could be your house, your neighborhood, your workplace, your community, places where you experience spiritual connection. Include places you visit daily, and the specific parts of those places e.g. your bedroom, your study table, the pantry.
   4. When. Consider all the moments, especially micro-moments, when you feel connected and centered. 
   5. Compile them in sticky notes, magazine cut-outs, a pinterest board and make them visible to you. 

More than a ‘feeling,’ this visual board will remind you of safety. They are resources for you to tap into whenever you feel dysregulated. 

You can do this with children too. 

1. Figurines are very useful ways to talk about this. 
2. You can also use the different colors in the block plays or magnetic tiles to represent different states, and play-doh to build the who and what. 
3. You can also print out pictures of your children in different settings and let them share which state they might be in in those settings. 

STEP 4: BUILD YOUR REGULATION TOOLBOX

A toolbox has screws, spanners, hammers and nails of various sizes. A regulation toolbox has THREE SIMILAR CHARACTERISTICS, namely:

1. There are a variety of tools.
2. You don’t need all of them at the same time. You pick what you need.
3. You need to keep it updated (e.g. replace used nails).

Here’s the caveat for these strategies:  Different methods would work for different people. Your brain also thrives on novelty. So, try them out and mix them up.

I’ve divided them into two categories: 

(1) Turning down strategies – when you feel aroused, stressed out and triggered.

(2) Turning up strategies – when you feel lethargic, flat and disengaged.

Turning Down Strategies

Hand on heart and hand on tummy

Place one hand on your heart and another on your tummy. Notice the weight of your hands against your body. Notice the gentle rising and falling of your body as you breathe in and out. You don’t need to change anything. This is an amazing centering exercise for you to get connected to yourself and the present.

Tighten your jaw, then relax and release

Your jaw is part of your center. When you relax your jaw, a lot of other muscles attached to your center relaxes (e.g. your eye muscles, your body). This opens your body to breathe better and starts to relax your nervous system. Being able to relax your eye muscles, particularly at your eyebrows, is also important if you work on the computer a lot. 

Pushing into the wall

A wall can withstand lots of pressure. If you’ve got a lot of energy – maybe in the form of anger, frustration, aggression, pushing against the wall can help to release some of the pent-up energy. You can also place your back against the wall and feel the contact with your upper back, your hips, your arms.

Turning Up Strategies

Hello, body parts

This is a playful way to bring awareness to different parts of your body. I call this exercise hello, body parts. Just like how you might peek through the room door and say hello to your little one, say hello to your fingers and let your fingers wriggle back. Say hello to your arms and shimmy back-and-forth. Say hello to your shoulders and rotate them forwards, and backwards. You can go on to do so with your legs, ankles, neck.

Feeling the soles of your feet

Bring your body slightly forwards and feel your bodyweight more on your toes. Then, bring your body slightly backwards. If you’ve the memory of being at the beach, sinking your feet into the ground, you can imagine how the soles of your footprints might look like.

Sensory basket 

Assemble a basket of various sensory items. You’d want them of various hardness and smoothness. Examples could be tennis balls, spiked massage ball, face towels or silks. Touching sensory items can increase sensations in your palms. Be free to feel any of them. You might need different ones on different days.

(BONUS: If you liked these and want more, sign up for my mailing list to get the regulation toolbox. I give you pictures and modifications on how to use them with children.)

STEP 5: MAKE THEM INTO HABITS 

ALLLLL that you’ve been doing before (steps 1-4) build you up to THIS. 

You’ve now learned how to: 

1. Check-in with your body
2. Be mindful 
3. Practice self-compassion
4. Get back to regulation and find safety 

The strategies that I’ve given you are SIMPLE AND MIGHTY. 

I told you. I use them EVERY SINGLE DAY. It has been so GAME-CHANGING for me and feasible as a mom of 2 running a business. 

They are also FOUNDATIONAL. They equip you with the resilience to cope with stressors better and to take on tougher growth areas such as learning to set boundaries with in-laws (eek!) and going for counseling for your own healing.