Thriving New Mama

Personal story ahead…

When I was struggling with BGR (boy-girl relationship) issues, low self-esteem, lots of shame and stress over academics, I didn’t go to my parents. I didn’t go to the school counsellor.

When I was going through a burnout and feeling completely lost in my careeer post-graduation, I didn’t go to a career coach. I didn’t walk into a counsellor’s office.

When I had my first child and was going through heightened anxiety and a loss of identity, I didn’t go to my confinement nanny. I didn’t go to my midwife or OBGYN. I didn’t sign up for counselling.

“It’s so expensive.”

“Is it really confidential? Would my friends/teachers/employer/parents/spouse eventually find out my ugliest secrets?”

“Shouldn’t I be more put together than this? Wouldn’t going for counselling somehow mean I’ve failed in my life?”

Despite the national campaigns to normalize mental health needs, counselling support did not feel accessible to me that the time when I needed.

When I worked as a volunteer manager, I’ve met youths experiencing anxiety over their future, children grieving absent parents, adults volunteering to ease the regret of time not spent with their deceased families.

I’ve told them before and I’d tell them again:

You bring who you are into whatever space you go into.

The best gift you can give others is your authentic self. More specifically, it’s the you that is most:

• awakened to your values, skills, strengths and embracing your weaknesses and human limitations
• aligned with the time and place that you’re in, the needs your hearts are stirred by and the zone that energizes you
• activated with courage, love and hope.

I’m so glad that you’re here.

We’re on this journey of learning more about ourselves, becoming more aligned with our values and strengths and experiencing much joy in the process.

Women’s Growth Circle is all about supporting you to live your best lives through practical mental health tips and increasing self-awareness.

So, here’s what it includes:

1. One big idea that’s related to personal growth and mental health. It’s introduced at the start of every month.
2. You get a recommended book to read and we’d read through it as a community.
3. Weekly emails to stay on track and maximise your learnings through reflection prompts and action challenges.
4. Live community calls
5. Live 1:1 30-mins activation calls with me to deep dive and apply the big idea in a personal way.

Registration opens every month so you can get on the wailist here!

November’s big idea is: *Self-Compassion*

Why are we talking about self-compassion?

When I discovered that it’s a learnable skill that directly correlates to mental health, reduced stress and EVEN increasing resilience, I thought why aren’t we teaching these in our schools and workplaces?

Self-compassion is so effective for a few reasons.

First, it works on a physiological level – that means it can affect your body and mood subconsciously. When you practice self-compassion instead of criticism, your body naturally goes back into a more relaxed mode and this enables you to problem-solve, and think more creatively and flexibly. That’s the state you want to be in when you’re making decisions, handling relational challenges and etc.

Second, it encourages connection, which is one of the five ways to wellbeing.

Geek out with me here.

The New Economics Foundation (nef), a think-and-do tank based in the United Kingdom, looked through existing research papers spanning various disciplines e.g. positive psychology and interviewed experts back in 2008. They distilled five key ways that are

(a) applicable to all ages and
(b) actionable that contribute to wellbeing.

That means, regardless of your age, you can take action in any one of these and you would feel better.

How empowering is that?!

Connection is one of the ways of wellbeing. Self-compassion encourages you to recognize common humanity (more on this later), but essentially, it encourages you to see that we all suffer and you’re not alone in your life challenges.

Third, it can be practiced.

It’s not a band-aid you slap on or a switch you can magically pull to change your life challenges. Life will still throw you curveballs. There’d be disappointments and frustrations. Even after reading about self-compassion, it’s totally normal to default to self-criticism and blame.

Let’s pause here to define self-compassion.

Allow me to introduce Dr Kristen Neff. She’s the author of the book we’re reading this month, “The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself: Self-Compassion” and a pioneer in the self-compassion field.

She offers a definition of self-compassion in three aspects.

One, self-compassion requires mindfulness. You need to be aware of what’s going on within you. The better you can recognize your heart beating faster, face flushing, chest tightening, palms getting clammy… (you get the gist), the more ready you are to take notice and CHOOSE how you want to respond.

Two, self-compassion requires a recognition of common humanity. Common humanity basically means that you see suffering as universal, as part of being human and experienced by all peoples. You’re not alone in your sufferings. You’re not being singled out by the universe. We all suffer and there’s going to be part of my suffering that you’re going to recognize and can resonate with.

Third, self-compassion requires kindness.

How would you speak to a friend?

What would you do if a stranger start crying in front of you?

I know that I would put a tentative, consoling touch on their shoulders, ask if they’re alright, soften my tone of voice.

Can we speak to ourselves with the same kindness that we’d extend to our friends and even a stranger?

Now that we’ve an understanding of self-compassion, you know why it’s not a band-aid, quick-fix, or magic switch.

You need to be mindful. That requires you to practice paying attention to your body, tuning into yourself, and slowing down.

Here’s the simple, underrated action step you can start practicing: PAY MUCH CLOSER ATTENTION.

“Much closer” because you might be used to journaling and maybe reducing your phone use on your commute back home.

If you aren’t, here’s what you can try:

1. Get off 1 stop/station earlier than your usual and walk. No phones at all. Look straight and around you.
2. Name everything that you see. I like to start with one sense and sight is the easiest to me. You can also start with sound, smell or touch. When you name, whether in your head or aloud, you get your mind off thinking about your next errand or what’s for dinner.

If you’ve tried this before, you can either try it again or pay MUCH CLOSER attention. Try any of these two:

1. Push your arms against the wall. Notice your arms, shoulders and all the way through to your feet.
2. Rock back and forth and side to side. Notice the soles of your feet.

Movement helps with increasing body awareness and these are actions you can take to release tension in your body as well.

If you enjoyed getting quick mental health lessons in digestible ways, coupled with reflection prompts and action challenges, you’re going to love the Women Growth Circles.

Registration only opens for a few days before the new month so get on the waitlist here!

Much love,
Shereen