Imagine you spent nine months preparing for your newborn’s arrival.
You’ve asked around and researched for the best stroller, milk bottle, steriliser. You’ve figured out which one out of the ten types of crib mattress is going to reduce risks of SIDS and dust mites. You’ve rehearsed how you’re going to bathe and clothe your newborn, and arranged the furniture accordingly.
If you found the last one baffling, I’m first to admit that I did them ALL.
I felt so prepared.
My friends have given me this massive excel sheet of all the must-have baby items, with price comparison included and tried-and-tested with three other friends.
I even booked the confinement nanny and postnatal massage therapist SO EARLY that I didn’t have to panic-book “in short notice.”
I felt so on top of my game.
But when my newborn came along, I was overwhelmed, defeated and anxious.
Because I made all the necessary preparations for the home, the newborn, the people around me and maybe even my physical recovery, but not my emotional and mental recovery.
I didn’t prepare for the times when questions like:
Why can the confinement nanny soothe the baby better than I can?
How am I supposed to know why the baby is crying?
Why am I taking so long to get my baby to latch? Especially under this cover and in public?
I didn’t prepare myself for the time needed to get to know someone new and to learn new skills, and experience the humbling but less-than-comfortable feeling of making mistakes.
Fast forward two kids later, tons of reading, reflecting and intentional personal growth efforts and completing my MA in Counselling, I’m sharing with you the top five ways to prepare for your postpartum.
#1 Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is a learnable skill that builds your resilience. You’re more able to cope with changes, more joyful, more flexible in problem solving when you can practice self-compassion. There’s a science behind it.
When you’re stressed, your body goes into panic mode. Your heart rate increases, you feel overwhelmed and experience a mental block. Familiar? In brain-science terms, your prefrontal cortex – the part that is responsible for problem solving, creative thinking and logical reasoning, SHUTS DOWN.
Your body is not able to process what’s happening and respond most appropriately when we’re in that mode. That’s when we say or do things we end up regretting.
Self-criticism, which is so common amongst Asians and more common with women than men, causes us to spiral into this fight-or-flight mode.
Self-compassion is the antidote for it.
It helps to bring our bodies back into safety. We feel grounded, calmer and can be more open in our thinking.
In the early years of motherhood and postpartum, I didn’t feel on top of my game at all. I felt like I’m struggling with every aspect of motherhood. Plus, I felt disconnected from the person that I was before becoming a mother.
Prior to becoming a mother, I was leading a team. Parenting and especially in the early postpartum, the experience for me was dramatically different from my experience in my professional role.
I couldn’t schedule meetings and have discussions with my newborn, or set KPIs and expect responsible follow-throughs.
You know what that means? I was on a steep learning curve on learning to surrender, be humble, open and flexible.
I was learning to be a mother.
I was learning about this new person now inhabiting my home and life.
I was learning all the caregiving duties relating to my newborn.
I was recovering postpartum.
I was learning to change my way of living, to being more humble, open and flexible.
When you’re learning, it’s going to take time and you’re going to make mistakes and fumble a little. So self-compassion is going to be a very helpful companion.
#2 Awareness
Self-awareness is a top rated soft skill in this day and age. Here, I’m going to narrow down to one aspect we often neglect as intellectuals in a knowledge-based economy.
Body awareness is the crux to emotional regulation. BUZZ WORD ALERT!!! We want our kids to “regulate their big emotions.” BUT the first step of emotional regulation is body awareness.
Body awareness, simply put, is recognising when your face is flushing, your body is tensing up, your heart rate is increasing, your chest tightening. It’s noticing subtle shifts in your body sensations.
Because these give you cues on what you are needing. Are you needing a break from this heated conversation? Would it help if your spouse took over the crying child for a while?
Awareness is noticing the early signals that you might be needing something different.
#3 Be Present
I was contemplating between “being present” and “noticing the extraordinary in the ordinary.”
In the first few months postpartum, I felt so bored staring at my newborn staring at her mobile. I felt so frustrated being pulled away from my work, so disconnected from myself and the world as I knew it. Yet, I felt guilty for feeling this way and exasperated that I couldn’t find more joy and meaning spending time with my newborn.
It only started to get better when I discovered what was actually happening as my newborn was “doing nothing.”
She was taking in:
- Her physical surroundings and where things are
- The traffic, whir of the fan, occasional horn that goes on in the carpark
- The smell, heartbeat, voice of me, her mother
- Getting used to lights in her eyes
- Feeling the breath through her lungs for the first time in 9-10 months
As my children move into the toddler and preschool years, the wonder and awe of the world that they are inviting me to is amazing.
I’ve learned about Claude Monet, the Impressionist movement, background of Van Gogh’s paintings of the postman, discovered the orchestra piece “Peter and the Wolf,” shapes of the trees, what Christmas trees really are and how to identify a millipede.
There is a rich world and they’ve expanded my spirit and capacity for more wonder.
And it starts with slowing down.
Being present.
Seeing with fresh eyes.
#4 Growth Mindset
To me, mindset is habitual self-talk. When you’re faced with a new challenge, what does your mind default to? Having a growth mindset means that when faced with a new challenge:
- You are aware that your body is having a stress response
- Beyond body awareness, you’re also noticing the default thoughts that you have. And it’s normal to default to negative thinking.
- Then, you bring your body back to feeling safe, grounded and calm.
- You tell yourself that it’s okay to make mistakes and feel uncomfortable and fumble a little because after all, you’re doing something new.
- And you take small, brave steps forward.
It’s not being a brave lion and stepping forward without ever doubting yourself or feeling inadequate, unsure and worried. It’s a culmination of all the skills we’ve previously talked about – body awareness, self-compassion and being present.
#5 Boundaries
There are so many new things you’re learning. If this is your second or more child, you’d know. If not, my dear first time mom, please remember these wonderful new things you’ve learned and celebrate them:
- Breastfeeding first at home, and then in public
- Reading baby’s hunger and sleepy cues
- Wearing a carrier, and then eventually, doing it independently and maybe even breastfeeding in it
- Maneuvering the pram and maybe even on public transport
- Remembering to bring the essentials out, like wipes and diaper
- Bathing the child
- Changing the child
- Soothing the child
In the process of these, you are also discovering what your values are. What are your reasons for choosing to breastfeed? How about getting a helper? Choosing a preschool?
These decisions are challenging and admittedly, can be overwhelming (please go back and read #1 on Self-Compassion) precisely because they are values-driven.
We all have different values. That’s okay. But it also means that you’re going to have people who would disagree with you. And that’s also okay.
What’s important is that you learn to set boundaries.
***
These are LIFE SKILLS, my dear friend.
They’re not only going to transform your motherhood, they’re going to transform your life.
And you’re going to start experiencing joy and peace-filled motherhood.
Not because the circumstances have necessarily changed – your child has stopped crying, your child is suddenly sleeping through the night and you’re suddenly feeling more sure about every parenting decision.
NO, it’s going to start feeling different because YOU have changed.
You have grown.
Thriving New Mama 
Leave a comment