Lunar New Year can be low-key stressful if you’re a mom with young kids. I can relate.
There’s the invisible mental load
You’re sourcing pretty red packets (ang bao packets), ensuring that you’ve got enough brand new $2 notes, looking at the bank new notes dispenser schedule, checking off the list of older relatives, aunties, uncles, cousins to make sure you’ve packed all the right amounts for the right people.
You’re prepping the entire family’s new set of clothes, extra points if they’re matchy. You’re also trying to prep your older baby, toddler or preschooler to wear new clothes, greet the relatives and in short, prep yourself and everybody in the family for an overstimulating day of visits after visits, loud greetings and missed naps.
There’s the unspoken family expectations
You may have gotten married and moved into your own place. But the unspoken family patterns of how you interact with elders, with peers, with your dad’s side and your mom’s side; the unspoken family expectations of how you dress, greet, raise children and be doing for work. All these get yanked into the forefront when families meet.
We don’t intuitively go through a process of differentiating with our families and learning the essential communication skills to set boundaries with them. In some cases, they “sensitive topics” get ignored like a white elephant. And in other cases, they get raised in passive aggressive or sarcastic manners. All these result in micro-stressors. They pull you into a heightened state and can make expecting a visit or being in a visit anxiety-provoking.
There’s the personal crisis of becoming a mother
As a mom with young kids, I know firsthand how it’s like to be navigating motherhood and trying to find out what kind of mother I want to be, while having questions or opinions dished out to me. It can feel overwhelming, or even like a personal attack.
Day one of Lunar New Year (hands up if you’ve got a full day packed already!) when there’s going to be missed feeds, missed naps, overstimulated kids, loud crowds and lots of sugar and salt, you’re going to find your schedule “out-of-control.” It’s not what you’ve practised day after day since you got back on your feet postpartum. It’s not going to be as planned.
Calling all moms with young kids. Let’s be honest, CNY can be stressful on SO MANY FRONTS.
Practically, with the CNY prep such as goodies, red packets, clothes.
Personally, on an individual level as a new mother or mom with young kids AND on a familial and generational level with entrenched generational patterns.
YET IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY.
You CAN enjoy the process of learning to become the mother you want to be.
You CAN take the time to discover your values and strengths as a mother.
You CAN be a good mother and still have a child who missed naps, soiled their clothes and wouldn’t greet their grandparents.
Top 10 ways for moms with young kids to practice self-care and have better mental health this CNY (from a trained counselor and mom of two young kids)
I’m going to give you my top ten tips for self-care. These are not the self-pampering tips such as booking hair treatment or splurging on your nails (P.S. nothing wrong with those!).
These are self-compassion and regulation tips for you to stay calm and grounded during Lunar New Year. I’ve grouped them into three:
- Self-care tips that take less than 5 minutes
- Self-care tips that take 10-15 minutes
- How you can prepare BEFORE Lunar New Year starts
Self-care tips moms with young kids that take less than 5 minutes
Breathe in and breathe out slow and deep
Take a breath in. Then, take a breath out. Make the out breath loooooooooonggggggg. Stretch it as long as you can. You can even sound out “AHHHHHH…..” or “OOOOOOOOOOOOO.” If you’d like, you can even close your eyes.
Press your hands on your chest and breathe out
Place your palms on your chest. You can put one hand on top of the other. Breathe out slow and deep. You can try placing your hands in other areas too, such as over your face, on your cheeks and on your shoulders. As you breathe out, feel your palms sink into your body and allow your body to release a little tension.
Say: I need a drink!
For this, I literally tell my kids (or whoever is around me): “I need a drink.” Let them know that you’re going to get a drink and you would attend to whatever is needed after the drink. Then, pour yourself a huge glass of water. I like mine with ice that tinkles as it hits the glass cup. And I drink it. Notice the water going down your throat and chest. It gives yourself a breather and some movement and body awareness. All these help to regulate you and identify what else you might need.
Wriggle your toes and feel the soles of your feet
If you’re sitting indoors with shoes off, wriggle your toes. Then, press your feet against the floor and feel the soles of your feet making contact with the ground. Notice any warm or cold spots. Then, press your toes down and notice how your feet contours. If you’re wearing shoes, wriggle your toes and see how far you can stretch.
Tell yourself this: I’m allowed to disagree, to still have questions and to need a break.
Show yourself compassion. As moms, you might think that if your kids are crying, not greeting, or soiling their clothes during CNY Reunion Dinner, you’re not a good mother. Or you think you need to have every question answered. Why did you put your 4-months-old in infant care? Why can’t he sit still? Why is she so shy? It’s okay even if you don’t know. It’s THEIR expectations, THEIR doubts, THEIR curiosities. It’s okay for you to still be navigating these questions yourselves.
Self-care tips moms with young kids that take less than 15 minutes
Take a walk
I used to think that the schedule of house visits is non-negotiable. And i’ve learned that it’s not. You can request for a 15 minutes walk around the neighbourhood park or void deck by yourself before re-joining the rest. Walking gets you fresh air and movement.
Ask for help
In 15 minutes, you can get nappies changed, you can prep the milk bottle or wash a used one, you can try to get the kid to sleep. You can ask for help from your parents or spouse or a trusted relative because it’s really not too much to ask. And it takes the mental load off of you for that 15 minutes.
Find comrades
There might be a topic that’s close to your heart and particularly difficult for you to field questions about alone. Find your comrades. This could be your parent or your spouse or a cousin who’s in the same stage of life. When the topic comes up, be it breastfeeding, babywearing, sleep training, childcare arrangements, helper dependency, say: “You know what, X (your comrade) and I have been talking about this so much. Let me get him here so he can help share our views.”
Two most important tips for moms with young kids to prep for your mental wellbeing this Lunar New Year
Regulation tips
I’ve shared TONS of regulation tips that are doable in just one to two minutes. Because let’s be honest, that’s really all the time you have before you yell or shove your kid just a little too hard. And the beauty of these is that they are going to work for you in different situations. You might feel really grounded when you press your hands on your chest, or you might enjoy the feeling of your toes on the ground.
The more you try them, the better you know yourself and the more effective they’re going to be.
Self-compassion
This is a single, learnable skill that can transform your mental health, your emotional resilience, your ability to cope with stress. Self-compassion doesn’t come naturally, especially in the ASian contexts and to moms! Why? Because we have culturally associated self-compassion with laziness or giving yourself a free pass. We may also believe that it’s selfish. #momguiltisreal
Thriving New Mama 
Leave a comment