Becoming a mother is life-changing—and so is becoming parents.
You and your spouse may still be under the same roof, but it can feel like you’re living in two different worlds. Between night feeds, toddler tantrums, mounting responsibilities at work, and the invisible weight of the mental load, your relationship might feel like it’s surviving… but is it really thriving?
If you’ve ever caught yourself wondering, “Are we okay?”, this article is for you.
Download the free relationship assessment tool!
Why This Matters
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, clinical psychologists who have spent over four decades studying what makes marriages succeed or fail, emotional disengagement—not explosive conflict—is the strongest predictor of divorce. In fact, a landmark study by Gigy & Kelly (1993) found that in 80% of divorce cases, the reason cited was emotional distancing—not infidelity.
Post-baby, your relationship shifts in subtle ways. How emotionally connected are you in the everyday moments? Do you see yourself as friends and lovers or more as colleagues and co-parents?
And while many new mothers are deeply attuned to their child’s needs, few are given space to reflect on how their marriage is coping with this major life transition.
3 Signs Your Relationship Might Need a Check-In
1. Your interactions feel more functional than affectionate.
Conversations revolve around diapers, daycare, and dishes. You’re getting things done, but you miss the laughter, the flirting, the little in-jokes that made your relationship feel like a team.
Research by Gottman & Levenson (2000) shows that successful couples have a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions—even during conflict. This doesn’t mean pretending everything is fine, but rather having a strong foundation of friendship and affection, humor, and support that cushions the inevitable tensions.
If your emotional bank account feels depleted, this is a sign to take stock.
2. You notice the Four Horsemen creeping in.
The Gottmans famously identified four destructive patterns that predict relationship breakdown with over 90% accuracy:
- Criticism: Attacking your partner’s character (“You always… You never…”)
- Contempt: Mocking or belittling from a place of superiority
- Defensiveness: Shifting blame or playing the victim
- Stonewalling: Emotionally shutting down or withdrawing from the conversation
These patterns don’t appear overnight. They usually surface when stress is high and emotional reserves are low—both of which are common in the postpartum period.
3. You feel unseen or unappreciated.
You may be doing a thousand things for your family and still feel like you’re not “doing enough.” Your partner may be trying in their own way, but it doesn’t land. This misalignment in support often leads to resentment or a sense of loneliness, even in a full house.
What the research consistently shows is that it’s not just about behaviors—it’s about whether you feel accepted and cared for as you are. In fact, the Gottmans found that lack of acceptance, not lack of change, causes the most serious damage in a relationship.
3 Simple But Powerful Action Steps
1. Reflect before reacting.
Take 15–20 minutes to go through a self-assessment like the one we’ve created (based on the Gottman Method). It helps you tune into how you’re really doing as a couple—without jumping into blame or solutions.
✅ Ask: “When do I feel most connected to my partner lately?”
✅ Observe: “What’s one pattern I want to shift in how I respond to conflict?”
2. Schedule a check-in, not a showdown.
Choose a time when both of you are relatively rested (we know that’s rare!) and gently invite your spouse into the conversation.
Try saying:
“I came across this reflection exercise that helps couples check in with each other after having a baby. I did it on my own and found it really helpful. Would you be open to doing it too, and maybe chatting about our answers together this weekend?”
✅ Aim for curiosity, not confrontation.
✅ Let it be a moment to reconnect, not a performance review.
3. Rebuild rituals of connection.
Whether it’s a short daily check-in, a weekly 30-minute walk after baby’s bedtime, or even a shared meme exchange thread—small rituals matter.
In Gottman’s research, couples who built regular, low-pressure moments of connection were far more likely to report higher satisfaction in their marriage.
✅ What was something small you used to enjoy together before the baby?
✅ Can you reintroduce a version of that now?
Why You Might Be Feeling Anxious or Guilty About All This
If you’re reading this and feeling a bit of guilt rising up—please know this: you are not alone.
Many high-functioning, deeply loving mothers wrestle with the belief that they should “just know” how to keep both their baby and marriage thriving. And when connection slips, they blame themselves.
But here’s the truth: you’re learning how to be a parent and a partner in a new season. That takes intention, not perfection.
That’s why we created this Free Post-Baby Marriage Check-In Tool—to guide you through a gentle reflection on your relationship without shame, pressure, or overwhelm.
It’s grounded in decades of research from the Gottman Institute and includes:
✅ Self-assessment prompts based on friendship, emotional connection, and conflict patterns
✅ Space to reflect on your own behaviors and strengths
✅ Optional ways to share and discuss it with your spouse
Whether you do it solo or together, this tool is a first step toward rediscovering what brought you together—and how you can stay close, even in the chaos.
📥 Ready to reconnect?
👉 [Download the Free Marriage Check-In Tool]
And take your first small step back toward each other.
References
- Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1993). Reasons for Divorce. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169–188. doi:10.1300/j087v18n01_08
- Gottman, J. M. & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The Timing of Divorce: Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce Over a 14-Year Period. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 737-745.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2023). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Orion Spring.
Thriving New Mama 
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