When it comes to marriage advice, everyone has something to say.
Your mum might remind you to “just give in and don’t nag,” your friends might send IG reels about emotional connection, and books or podcasts promise everything from perfect communication to weekly date nights as the answer.
But if you’re a new mom postpartum juggling a demanding career, caring for a baby, and trying to hold the family together, a lot of that advice can feel… either unrealistic or irrelevant.
You’re doing your best—but you still wonder:
“Why do we still argue about the same things?”
“Why do I feel like I’m doing this alone?”
“Why is he pulling away when I need him most?”
Maybe the problem isn’t you.
Maybe it’s the myths you’ve been taught about what makes a marriage work.
Let’s look at what decades of research—especially from the Gottman Institute—actually says about what strengthens or breaks down a marriage.
Grab the free marriage assessment tool for new parents!
Myth 1: Infidelity is the #1 cause of divorce.
When we think of broken marriages, we often imagine betrayal or secret affairs. But emotional disconnection is far more dangerous—and far more common.
In the California Divorce Mediation Project, researchers Gigy and Kelly (1993) found that 80% of divorces were due to emotional distancing, not infidelity. It wasn’t hot passion elsewhere that tore couples apart—it was the cold silence between them at home.
💬 “It felt like we were roommates.”
💬 “We stopped laughing together.”
💬 “I didn’t feel seen anymore.”
As a mother, you might be pouring everything into your child. But if emotional connection with your spouse fades, the foundation of your family can silently weaken.
Myth 2: Your spouse is just “not emotional”—it’s a gender thing.
You’ve probably heard or even said this:
“He’s just not emotional like I am.”
“He doesn’t express himself—I have to draw things out of him.”
But research by Robert Levenson using computer analysis found that during conflict, women used 9 emotion words per minute while men used 8. The difference is minimal.
The truth? Men feel deeply too. And women can be just as task-oriented.
Instead of dismissing what your spouse may be saying as a “gender thing,” really listen and attune to what he or she needs.
Myth 3: A relationship without dominance structures is healthiest.
We often assume that equality = harmony. And yes, many modern couples strive for shared roles. But surprisingly, Gottman’s research uncovered that a complete lack of structure can actually lead to more frequent and unresolved conflict.
Why? Because without clarity on “who does what,” both parties start keeping score.
You may find yourself thinking:
- “Why do I always have to plan everything?”
- “He expects me to know what the baby needs, but doesn’t help.”
- “I’m doing two full-time jobs—my career and the home.”
When responsibilities are unclear, it leads to resentment—even if no one is trying to be unfair.
What helps instead is explicitly negotiated roles and clear expectations. Structure, not dominance, is the key.
So What Actually Works?
According to Drs. John and Julie Gottman, what really sustains a marriage long-term isn’t perfect communication or fair division of chores. It’s emotional safety, affection, and trust.
This means:
- Feeling seen and appreciated
- Having rituals of connection (like regular check-ins or shared moments)
- Being able to navigate differences without contempt or withdrawal
- Seeing the best in your partner, even in moments of frustration
3 Practical Action Steps to Deepen Connection
1. Use generous interpretations.
We tend to assign the WORST possible meanings to our partner’s actions:
“He didn’t text back—he must not care.”
“He forgot again—he’s so irresponsible.”
But Gottman’s work shows that couples who thrive often choose generous interpretations:
“He’s been overwhelmed today.”
“That wasn’t like him—I wonder what’s going on.”
Try catching yourself in a moment of frustration and ask:
👉 “Is there another way to view this that honors his heart?”
2. Create one new ritual of connection.
Instead of waiting for a magical date night or therapy session, try introducing one simple ritual. It could be:
- A nightly 5-minute check-in after baby sleeps
- Saying one thing you appreciate about each other before bed
- Doing the weekly grocery list together while chatting over tea
Rituals don’t need to be fancy. They just need to be consistent and intentional.
3. Reflect with a research-backed tool.
Sometimes, you need a little structure to start the right conversation. That’s why I created a free self-assessment tool based on the Gottman Method.
It gently walks you through:
- Whether the Four Horsemen (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, stonewalling) are showing up
- How strong your emotional connection is
- Where you can rebuild affection and trust
You can do it alone and reflect, or invite your spouse to try it too.
You Don’t Have to Fix Everything Overnight
As a woman who feels deeply responsible for her family’s well-being, you might carry quiet guilt that your marriage isn’t perfect post-baby.
You’re not failing. You’re navigating a season of profound change—with very little guidance on how to stay connected amidst the chaos.
This FREE assessment tool isn’t about grading your marriage. It’s about gently tuning into what’s going well, what’s been forgotten, and where to grow—together.
📥 Ready to let go of myths and reconnect with what truly matters?
👉 [Download the Free Marriage Check-In Tool]
It’s a gentle, research-backed way to reflect on your marriage and rekindle the connection you long for.
References
- Gigy, L., & Kelly, J. B. (1993). Reasons for Divorce. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 18(1-2), 169–188. doi:10.1300/j087v18n01_08
- Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The Timing of Divorce: Predicting When a Couple Will Divorce Over a 14-Year Period. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 62, 737-745.
- Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2023). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Orion Spring.
- Feuerman, M. (2024, November 19). Managing vs. Resolving Conflict in Relationships. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-vs-resolving-conflict-relationships/
- Levenson, R. W. (as cited in Gottman & Silver, 2023). Emotion word frequency analysis during conflict discussions.
Thriving New Mama 
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