Before we get into the WHAT and HOW to practice self-compassion, let’s start with the WHY.
Why bother?
Research shows that practicing self-compassion:
- Increases happiness, positive feelings and life satisfaction (Zessin, et al., 2015)
- Cultivates feelings of hope, gratefulness and curiosity (Gunnell, et al., 2017; Neff, et al., 2007, 2018a)
- Reduces stress, anxiety and depressive mood (Stutts, et al., 2018)
- Reduces feelings of shame (Bhuptani & Messman, 2021)
- Reduces automatic negative thinking (Yip & Tong, 2021)
- Reduces avoidance of negative emotions (Yela, et al., 2022)
- Enhances emotional regulation skills (Inwood & Ferrari, 2018)
- Facilitates social connectedness (Gunnell, et al., 2017) and alleviates loneliness (Lee, et al., 2021)
Less stress, more social, having hope and joy for life – who doesn’t want that?
It also contributes to better emotional regulation and resilience, which is exactly what we covered in the last blog post and what we certainly want to prepare our kids for the VUCA (volatile, uncertain, complex, ambiguous) world.
What is self-compassion?
I find it easier to understand a complex and abstract topic such as self-compassion by clarifying what it is NOT.
The first thing to know is that self-compassion is not self-esteem.
Self-esteem is having confidence in your own abilities BECAUSE you can do as well as – if not, even better, than others. It can lead to (1) comparison, (2) distorted view of self or others and (3) it’s dependent on you having evidence that you can do things.
But what happens if we fail?
What happens if we’re learning something new and we’re just not that good at it yet?
It’s going to be such a huge hit to the self-esteem. One can easily spiral into a vicious cycle of criticism and shame.
Self-compassion is protective against these feelings of shame. Later, we’d also talk about how it builds resilience, intrinsic motivation to improve, and positive coping skills.
The second principle in learning about self-compassion is knowing that it’s TWO parts:
- 1. A mindful awareness and acceptance that you are suffering
- 2. Offering a warm, kind and supportive response towards this suffering
Compassion is derived from the Latin words ‘com,’ which means ‘with’ and ‘passion,’ which means ‘suffering.’ To be with suffering is an act of compassion. Self-compassion is about extending that gentle, kind and warm presence to yourself while you are suffering.
It requires you to first recognise that you’re suffering and accept it without criticism, anger, wanting to run away, denial.
I know – it sounds very, very, very hard to do that.
Why is self-compassion hard?
#1 We’ve a negative bias
It’s so much easier to go into a spiral of shame and guilt. Legit, there is something called the “ANTS,” which stands for “automatic negative thinking syndrome.” We default to negative thinking because it prepares us to respond to danger.
#2 Our culture might have taught us misconceptions about self-compassion
I’m going to share two myths.
And I invite you to see them as opportunities to relook at your own worldview.
First MYTH is that self-compassion makes us lazy. You get well-meaning encouragements such as “pull yourself together” and “try harder,” in order to “toughen you up.”
Second MYTH is that self-compassion is selfish.
Honestly, when I first thought about self-compassion, I think about ingulging bubble baths, expensive girls’ night out and leaving the kids with the nanny or grandparent.
And I thought I need to have worked SUPER hard and be the EDGE of a burnout to deserve self-compassion.
Who’s with me?
The view that self-compassion makes us lazy is based on the belief that we need be aware AND critical of our areas of lack in order to grow.
However, we can desire to improve because we CARE for ourselves, and for our own well-being. We can be motivated to improve through warm and constructive feedback. Not necessarily criticism.
Research has shown that self-compassion builds intrinsic motivation and encourages self-mastery of skills rather than maladaptive perfectionism (Neff, et al., 2005, Dundas, et al., 2017, Suh & Chong, 2022). Self-compassionate individuals can aim high and be okay that they don’t always hit the target (Neff, 2022).
Self-compassionate individuals also cope better with various life challenges, such as the COVID-19 pandemic. They experienced less loneliness, anxiety and depression AND had greater life satisfaction (Beato, et al., 2021, Li, et al., 2021).
This view that self-compassion is selfish comes from believing that high compassion for self = low compassion for others. That’s the fallacy – it’s not a zero-sum game or either/or thing. More compassion for others does NOT mean less compassion for me, and vice versa.
Compassion BEGETS compassion.
Self-compassion individuals are better able to empathise and forgive others’ for their imperfections (Bruk, et al., 2022, Miyagawa & Tanigushi, 2022, Neff, et al., 2018a).
#3 We’ve never been taught or role modelled HOW to practice self-compassion
If it’s not within the culture to respond with compassion or to mistake compassion with laziness and not fulfilling your duty as parents or educators, we might not have had the chance to:
- Hear compassionate responses from others when we go through challenges
- Have the scripts to respond to ourselves in compassionate ways
*HARD TRUTH: It’s the SAME THING for our kids. If we aren’t intentional in responding with compassion to ourselves, our kids won’t have the scripts and models.
So what now?
I’m a big believer of practical next steps.
There are THREE golden practices that I personally use and LOVE.
Somatic practices
Body-based practices are awesome. They work when you’re under stress, anxious, disengaged, and they work when your higher order, thinking brain isn’t working.
You cannot think yourself out of a critical attitude.
Imagine this.
“That was so stupid of you to do that. How could you even let it happen?”
“Ugh, how can you speak to yourself so harshly? Remember self-compassion?”
“It’s so hard. Maybe you’re just not meant for it.”
The cycle of negative thinking continues and intensifies!
Instead, try body-based practices to shake yourself out of it.
PLUS, body-based practices help bring a richer understanding to theoretical concepts.
Try this.
Clench your fists as hard as you can. Clench your jaws. Say “GRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!”
This is what tension and resistance feels like.
Now, open your hands and soften your fingers. Say “ahhhhhh” and sigh (like a sigh of relief).
This is what openness and acceptance feels like.
Practicing self-compassion is about accepting and regarding what you’re going through with openness and curiosity.
You can extend this into a self-compassionate practice.
While seated, stretch out your arms and legs. Tense your muscles.
Then, relax and release.
With each turn and out breath, feel your body relaxing a little bit more.
Scripts
I like being creative and make things my own. But when I’m stressed, anxious and going through a hard time, I might not have a capacity to do that.
Instead, regurgitating scripts help me move through the pain of the moment.
“I’m allowed to be happy, peaceful and at ease.”
“I’m having a hard time and I’m allowed the space to take care of myself”
“I deserve kindness and love regardless of what I did or did not do.”
Imagery
Allow me to leave you with a metaphor and imagery to enhance your self-compassion practice.
I heard this from a respected leader and mentor.
Life is like a river flowering. Sometimes, we hit big rocks. When we stay stuck there, ruminating and trying to understand every detail, the mud gathers. We can, instead, choose to go around it. While some rocks and dirt might follow, there is life. There is still opportunities ahead. Eventually, the water at the end of the river is clear, flowing.
Self-compassion has an element of allowing, accepting and being curious. It entails trusting that you’re exactly where you’re meant to be. And even if it feels painful in the moment, later it bears fruits of peace. It is always an opportunity to grow.
References
Bhuptani PH, Messman TL. 2021. Self-compassion and shame among rape survivors. J. Interpers. Violence 37(17–18):NP16575–95
Bruk A, Scholl SG, Bless H. 2022. You and I both: Self-compassion reduces self–other differences in evaluation of showing vulnerability. Pers. Soc. Psychol. Bull. 48(7):1054–67
Dundas I, Binder PE, Hansen TG, Stige SH. 2017. Does a short self-compassion intervention for students increase healthy self-regulation? A randomized control trial. Scand. J. Psychol. 58(5):443–50
Inwood E, Ferrari M. 2018. Mechanisms of change in the relationship between self-compassion, emotion regulation, and mental health: a systematic review. Appl. Psychol. Health Well-Being 10(2):215–35
Lee EE, Govind T, Ramsey M, Wu TC, Daly R, et al. 2021. Compassion toward others and self-compassion predict mental and physical well-being: a 5-year longitudinal study of 1090 community-dwelling adults across the lifespan. Transl. Psychiatry 11:397
Li A, Wang S, Cai M, Sun R, Liu X. 2021. Self-compassion and life-satisfaction among Chinese selfquarantined residents during COVID-19 pandemic: a moderated mediation model of positive coping and gender. Pers. Individ. Diff. 170:110457
Miyagawa Y, Taniguchi J. 2022. Self-compassion helps people forgive transgressors: cognitive pathways of interpersonal transgressions. Self Identity 21(2):244–56
Neff KD, Hseih Y, Dejitthirat K. 2005. Self-compassion, achievement goals, and coping with academic failure. Self Identity 4:263–87
Neff KD, Long P, Knox M, Davidson O, Kuchar A, et al. 2018a. The forest and the trees: examining the association of self-compassion and its positive and negative components with psychological functioning. Self Identity 17(6):627–45
Neff KD, Rude SS, Kirkpatrick K. 2007. An examination of self-compassion in relation to positive psychological functioning and personality traits. J. Res. Pers. 41:908–16
Neff KD, Tóth-Király KA, Davidson O. 2022. How self-compassion works: An experimental examination of change in the components of self-compassion and their association with positive and negative affect. Work. Pap., Univ. Tex., Austin
Stutts LA, Leary MR, Zeveney AS, Hufnagle AS. 2018. A longitudinal analysis of the relationship between self-compassion and the psychological effects of perceived stress. Self Identity 17(6):609–26
Suh H, Chong SS. 2022. What predicts meaning in life? The role of perfectionistic personality and selfcompassion. J. Constr. Psychol. 35(2):719–33
Yela JR, Crego A, Buz J, Sánchez-Zaballos E, Gómez-Martínez MÁ. 2022. Reductions in experiential avoidance explain changes in anxiety, depression and well-being after a mindfulness and self-compassion (MSC) training. Psychol. Psychother. Theory Res. Practice 95(2):402–22
Yip VT, Tong EMW. 2021. Self-compassion and attention: Self-compassion facilitates disengagement from negative stimuli. J. Posit. Psychol. 16(5):593–609
Zessin U, Dickhauser O, Garbade S. 2015. The relationship between self-compassion and well-being: a metaanalysis. Appl. Psychol. Health Well-Being 7(3):340–64
Thriving New Mama 
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